Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Over the past few years, I have had many conversations with people about whether they should stay or leave their local church. Since the early church in the New Testament only had one option in each city, the Bible never gives us clear instruction on how to know when the time is to leave a church and when you ought to stick it out. Many people have a lot of angst over a decision like this, and while I do not think I can remove all of that angst from anyone, I do think I can give some questions to consider if you ever find yourself in that process. There are no cookie cutter approaches to this, rather it takes a lot of wisdom, prayer, and seeking other wise counsel, but my hope is that this article will be used for many in the future to help them sort through what is often a very difficult decision. Here are 9 questions that you can ask to help you sort through this decision.

1. Am I taking this decision seriously?

If you are reading this article, I would assume you are probably taking this decision seriously, however, I think it is still a good question to ask. Christians ought to be committed to a local church, and if you can leave a church without any serious consideration, your commitment level may have been low at that church. There should be at least some sort of angst in making a decision this seriously, even if the decision becomes so clear it is obvious it is necessary. If we take church seriously, we will take the decision to leave a church seriously.

2. Do I feel enslaved?

This is the reverse of the previous question, but it also should be considered. Scripture never binds us to one particular local church forever. God never says you have to remain in the first church you become active in. You are free, and your church should make you feel as if you are free. As a pastor, I do not want people coming to our church solely out of obligation and duty. There may be days we feel that way, but I desire the trend in our church to be people who want to be a part of the church because they find joy in being together. Church should be a place of joy, and if you are feeling enslaved, consider why that is. Have you been manipulated by the pastor or leaders, or by others to feel like you are not free to leave? Are you putting guilt on yourself for considering leaving that does not come from Scripture? We are free in Christ, and I want to encourage you that this includes where you attend local church.

3. What has changed?

If there is one thing that never changes in life, it is that things are going to change. As you think about why you are considering leaving your church, consider what has changed. There was a time you became a part of this church, why was that, and what about the church has changed that has caused you to lose enthusiasm? Perhaps the change has been in you, so examine yourself whether that was a good change such as you have grown in doctrine and Biblical truth, or whether it was a bad change because you just have a bad attitude toward some people. It is possible for you to outgrow the church you chose to attend earlier in your faith, and if the leadership or body has no desire to continue to encourage you in your growth, then perhaps it is time to find a church that will continue to spur you on.

4. What are my reasons for leaving or staying?

Write out your reasons for leaving and your reasons for staying, or at least for hesitating to leave. Lay them out side by side on paper, and do your best to be honest in laying out your motivations. Perhaps take some time to do this, because more reasons might come to mind over time for both staying or leaving. Write these down as best as you can, and then use the next questions to examine those reasons.

5. How Biblical are my reasons?

Look over your reasons, and consider whether God cares about your reasons. For example, perhaps one of your reasons is you love organ in the church, and your church got rid of their organ. Does Scripture say anywhere that an organ should be a part of the music in a church? The answer to that is clear, that it does not, and therefore you need to note that this is only a personal preference. Perhaps one of your reasons, however, is that they sing music where the lyrics are not truthful, or where it promotes groups who are not of sound doctrine. This reason is a bit more than simply preference, as you can find Scripture to backup why you believe these things to be important. Do this with all the reasons, both the reasons to stay and the reasons to leave.

6. How strongly convicted am I on these reasons?

There can be any number of issues that can be based on Scripture, but where we understand reasonable people disagree. Using an example already referenced, I definitely do not prefer music from heretical groups like Hillsong, Bethel, Jesus Culture, Elevation, or anyone else out there. In our church, we do not sing that music, however, if I was a in a church that did but was faithful in all other areas that matter to me, I probably would not leave over it. Someone else, however, might be more strongly convicted and would leave if they would continue singing their songs. So, ask yourself how large of a conviction this is for you. I might add, if you choose to say it is not too large of an issue to leave over, then you must be willing to submit quietly to what they do without complaining if you choose to stick around. You should not remain and then cause division over that issue.

7. How will these reasons impact me and my family’s sanctification?

There may be reasons you list out that would not affect your personal sanctification, but there could be reasons you list that do. One primary purpose of the church is to deliver the Word of God through preaching as it is God’s primary ordained means of imparting His Word to His people. If you sit under preaching that is watered down and weak, you are choosing to stunt your own growth as well as your family’s growth. Similarly, remaining in a church with no true fellowship of believers also stunts your spiritual growth. Far too often people emphasize programs of the church over the ordained means God has given for sanctification of His people. Seek to teach your family what is most valuable about the church, not to meet your personal preference of programs, but to disciple you into the Word of God to become mature in Christ.

8. Is there a better option out there?

Let’s just say this out loud, there is no perfect church. I choke on those words because I absolutely love Norton Baptist Church, but we are not perfect either. It is very possible that someone might leave a church believing there is something better out there, and then find out there is nothing within a reasonable driving range that is better. I think it is wise to check out other churches first to find out if there is a place you could land. It is too easy to quit one church and then float for months and months disconnected. Once you leave, it would probably be very difficult for you to get the courage to return if no better option surfaces. If you decide to leave, unless there is a serious reason you have to leave immediately, find a landing spot before leaving.

9. How can I leave in peace?

As much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men, that is what Paul instructed the believers in Rome. If you decide to leave, do your best to leave without causing division or undue stress. Communicate with the leaders before making your decision rather than surprising them one day, perhaps they would like to work on the reasons you are concerned about. It would be best, though, not to totally surprise people by simply disappearing, but rather let the leadership or pastor know that this is what you are thinking. Know this, it may feel hurtful to some people if you leave, but that should not determine your decision. When people are hurt, they tend to be hurtful toward those who they feel hurt by. I recently talked with someone who, after leaving their church, had lies told about them by their former pastor. That is extremely difficult to deal with, however, if something like that were to happen, it would only confirm that your decision to leave was a wise one. Do not return evil for evil, simply give room for the Lord to deal with it, and He will.

I hope these questions can be helpful to someone. If you would like to talk personally about a decision, know that I am available to do so. Just call or email our office or use our contact form on our website. Let me make clear, I would give the same advice to someone in our church as I would to you, in other words, I am not seeking to convince anyone that they should leave or should stay, but rather help them sort through with wisdom, so in the end they can be confident they are honoring the Lord.